Spring always seems to bring me spiraling. I want to love it. Most of the lowest times of my life happen to occur during the spring season. This may be evident as I have not written anything for weeks. March was hard; I felt like I was going insane and was sad almost every day for no reason. There was a time in my life where I slpet all day. While everyone in my house was out, I would still be in bed until 1-2. I would finally get up just before people came home to do some chores and make it seem as if I was living. I had pulled myself out of this habit until this March. Which is how I spent the first two weeks of that month. Sometimes I’d just find myself crying, tears just falling from my eyes with no definitive cause. It made me feel worse but I couldn’t stop. Pathetic is a word that I have heavily found myself associating with. I hope one day I don’t.

The second half of March was spent spiraling. Now I couldn’t sleep. One night, I tried to go to bed. I laid in the dark for 30 minutes, and I have never in my life felt more awake than in that moment. So I got up and paced around for about 10-15 minutes, then I sat on the floor for some time. I felt jittery, panicked, sad, and so lost. Still couldn’t land a job (still true), not in school, and no major wins lately. I think I have been having an identity crisis. I mean what am I doing, what have I been doing? Thinking about school makes me feel sick, I hate talking about it. But I want to finish. I think i’d die if I dropped out. I have no other plans or ideas for a career besides college. My family would be disappointed, maybe not surprised. Sometimes I wonder if we are all delusional in thinking I can make anywhere past my bachelor’s. Or maybe they don’t believe I’ll go back at all. Maybe they are waiting until I say it.

I know I said I want it, and I do. Although sometimes I wish I could run away from everyone and everything. I’d have no expectations on me, no explanations to give, and freedom. Maybe I’d be happier.

I plan to write more and be more consistent. I think this is good for me. I’m not usually this honest. Hopefully, next spring feels brighter and lighter.

I wanted to include my playlist for March. I think it sums up my month well.